Category Archives: From the Mind of Muggington

Bungling Bats

From the Mind of Muggington, Halloween,

Bungling Bats

Two brown bats are hanging from a rafter in the attic. They are bored. They can’t wait for the Sun to go down because tonight is Halloween.

…

“Can we go now?” Barney said. “No, it’s still light dummy,” Beatrice said. “No one will see. Please?” Barney said. “I don’t know. The last time we went out during the day that woman chased us for an hour with a broom. I think we should wait,” Beatrice said.

Barney stretched his wings and flexed his pectorals. “Don’t try to impress me with those puny muscles. It won’t work,” Beatrice said. Barney let go of his grip on the rafter. He somersaulted in mid-air and landed on the wooden floor with a soft thud. “Barney, I’m warning you,” Beatrice said.

Barney flapped his wings and stopped. “I said no,” Beatrice said in a louder, squeakier voice. Barney flapped his wings twice this time. “Oh alright,” Beatrice said. She dropped down onto the floor and stood next to Barney. “I’m only doing this because you are so annoying,” she said.

Barney grinned and took off.  He reached the opening in the roof and squeezed out. Beatrice followed. Barney leaped off the roof and swooped into the backyard with Beatrice right behind him.

The children shrieked so loud the neighbors called the cops. Boys and girls ducked and weaved as the terrified bats tried to escape.  Barney got himself wrapped up in crepe paper while Beatrice became entangled in fake cobwebs.

“This is the best Halloween party ever,” a pudgy boy said.

Finally Beatrice broke free. She rushed to help Barney. She managed to get the orange paper off Barney just in time before a  wild-eyed woman came after  them with a plastic baseball bat. The woman swung with all her might and missed Barney. Unfortunately she did hit Mrs. O’Reilly right on her fat rump. This action increased the bedlam as Mrs. O’Reilly had a fierce temper.

Barney and Beatrice flitted away unnoticed during the commotion. “Never again,” Beatrice said as she squeezed back through the opening in the roof. “That is the last time I listen to you. Now get up there and hang your head in shame,” Beatrice said. Barney flew up to his perch, grabbed hold and grinned.

Pugnacious Pumpkins

From the Mind of Muggington, Halloween,

I’m a pumpkin. Okay, I am fat and orange but I do have feelings. How would you like to be one of the fattest vegetables in the garden? Of course I would like to be slim like a carrot or a celery stick but I’m not. I’m spherical and proud of it.

About the orange color. I know some people get ridiculed when they spend too much time under the tanning bed. My orange is from carotene and I could care less what you think.
Anyway, now that Halloween is coming I am getting a little peeved. Who gives people the right to come pluck us out of the fields? I’m quite happy sitting here soaking up the sunlight. I’m not hassling anyone. I’m sitting here in the dirt minding my own business.
I know I’m wasting my carbon dioxide but still, if you do pick me, let me keep my dignity. The best case scenario is if you put me on your front porch and let me live out my remaining time in the fresh air. I know that’s probably not good enough and you will want to carve me up into some grotesque face. Go ahead and have your fun but just remember, us pumpkins represent the color orange and we deserve some respect. Have your Halloween and your Jack -O-Lanterns but don’t forget
Pugnacious Pumpkins make it all possible.

 

Silly Spiders

From the Mind of Muggington, Halloween,

We all know that spiders are industrious. Every morning they drop down on a thread of silk and they start to spin their web. It’s a lot of work to make those complicated and beautiful designs. It takes several months in spider school to learn how to make a basic funnel web.

One sunny day the spiders went to work grumbling as usual. They climbed up to rooftops and dropped their lines. Little did they know that today was going to be Silly Spider day.

It started when Simon decided to make his web over the front door of the house. He thought it would be funny to see the fat man walk into the web. He never got tired of seeing humans frantically trying to pull the sticky spider silk off their face. Simon wove the biggest web in spider history. It must have been six feet in diameter.

The Sun came up and Simon heard the human rumbling around inside the house. He rubbed his eight legs together gleefully. “This is going to be great,” Simon said to the other spiders.

He heard the chain being pulled off the latch and the door opened. Simon gave a spider chuckle and he had a huge grin on his spider face. The fat man opened the door and stood looking outside. Simon wondered what he was waiting for.

The fat man spoke. “Silly spider, I see your web,” the fat man said. He closed the door. Simon heard the fat man open the back door. The fat man came around to the front door with a broom. Simon worked all night to make that web and the fat man swept it away in five seconds.

“Silly spiders,” the fat man said.

Snail Stew

From the Mind of Muggington, Halloween,

They came from big cities and small towns. They had little shells and big shells. All of them were excited and happy to attend the World Snail Convention.

This year it was being held in New York City. Country snails wanted to see Times Square. The snails from New Jersey took the Path train while the Long Island snails were delayed because of signal problems with the Long Island Rail Road.

Eventually all the snails arrived at Central Park. The chefs cut up all the veggies for the stew and the water was boiling. The snails waved their eye stalks trying to soak up the delicious aroma from the stew.

Then the unimaginable happened. Some of the snails in the back started pushing. They wanted to see how the stew was being prepared. The snails in front next to the giant pot tried to hold their ground but it was hopeless.

One by one the snails plopped into the boiling water.

One hour later the snail stew was ready.

Tourists from all over flocked to the park. Even the jaded residents of New York City came to have a taste.

The snail stew was the best anyone had ever tasted.

There is nothing better than a good snail stew.

LISR

From the Mind of Muggington,

The bald-headed muscular man sat in the front of the train. He wore the insignia, LISR, proudly on his uniform. In a few more years he could retire. He couldn’t wait. He’d be at the beach every day during the summer and then he’d spend the winter golfing at his Florida mansion.

But first he had to get the signals working and the engine malfunction fixed. He picked up the phone in the cab, “We’ve spent millions of dollars every year and those signals still malfunction. What the hell is wrong now?”

At the other end of the line a guy with slicked back hair and a pot-belly looked at the tracks with despair. “Come on you guys, try it again,” he said. Two elderly gentleman raised two flags each and started waving them back and forth. Several trains stood in sight with their drivers cursing the delay. They couldn’t figure out what the flag men were doing. They looked like sick birds flapping their wings aimlessly in the air. Mr. Pot-Belly turned to the phone, “Sorry, the signals are still down. I’m working on them.”

The bald man cursed and hung up the phone. “Alright, I am going to fix the engines myself. He stalked out of the cab and pulled off the sheet metal panel from the side of the engine. He looked inside and cursed. “Damn you, get back to work, now!”

Rows upon rows of shiny black and white striped snails sat resting. They looked at the bald man with hatred. “Let that bastard come down here and move this thing. That’s what I say,” the largest snail said in a gravelly Long Island accent.

This post is dedicated to the long-suffering commuters who ride the Long Island Snail (oops) Rail Road.

Inexplicable

From the Mind of Muggington

The tall one spoke first. “They don’t know we are here.” “Good, we need to gather data before we act,” the shorter one said. The tall one peered through the window. He saw moving shapes on the wall. “My endoskeleton is detecting vibrations,” the tall one said. “and my mental state is unusual.” “I am experiencing a similar state,” the short one said. “What is this phenomenon?”

“It has regular patterns. I detect mathematical structure within it,” the tall one said. “Why does it exist?” the shorter one said. “It sounds purposeful, as if it was created deliberately. Do you think the fleshy ones are responsible?” “I don’t see how they could produce these complex series of waveforms. I suspect it is another source,” the tall one said. “Perhaps this is used as an energy source although that seems impractical.”

“It is an anomaly that needs to be investigated further,” the short one said. “I agree. the action is postponed indefinitely,” the tall one said.

Slither

From the Mind of Muggington

The top secret space plane fired jets to adjust its altitude. It would begin its descent in five minutes. No one could see the yellowish smear under the wing. The technicians watching images from the cameras trained on the heat-resistant tiles didn’t see anything abnormal.

The landing was routine and the spacecraft coasted to a stop. Suited workers hopped out of vehicles and approached the ship. The yellow smear coalesced into a thread like tube. It dropped to the surface of the runway. It made a tiny rustling sound as it moved.

The maintenance crew surrounded the aircraft. The tiny yellow worm creature crawled between the legs of a burly worker. It hopped onto the muddy boot and it began to climb. When it reached the top of the sock it dove into the space between the sock and skin. After it had wriggled down and settled on the foot it opened its buccal cavity and grabbed a fold of pink skin. The yellow worm began to gnaw its way in.

“Hungry,” it thought to itself.